Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades