“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Flowers bee like
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.