My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
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These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH