I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
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gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
opening twitter today
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.