Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
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Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Spell check is for lasers.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.