Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
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Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
why isn’t he texting back
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?