Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
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I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
What an awful time to have common sense.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.