Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
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SF is the wild wild west man
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them