cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
my dog when i have a friend over
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”