Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.