Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
You Might Also Like
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.