My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
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To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.