i wish i could marry a nap
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.