Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
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Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
“OMGJK” -atheists
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.