” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
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Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
best first i’ve ever seen
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.