To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
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“i am a sweet baby”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
The prophecy is fulfilled
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.