Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
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I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that