One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
You Might Also Like
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
What about a To-Don’t List?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)