Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
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You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
2022: I can fix it
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?