As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
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My diet starts in January
of 2027
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Room with a view.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.