I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
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Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
can I use a minion as a tampon
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
excuse me
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible