9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
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[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
i baked you a cake
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad