“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
She puts the hot in psychotic
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?