*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
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My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Autocorrect completely socks
Happy Halloween 🎃
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?