Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect