When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day: