Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
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Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.