Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
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I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Ok, but like, how married are you?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.