As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
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“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell