My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
You Might Also Like
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding