Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
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Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Awesome parenting 😂
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?