I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
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{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
#dnd #ttrpg
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.