Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
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Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
War & Peace
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for