SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
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My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
lol
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.