I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
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Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
#Caturday
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.