piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
My love language is deader than Latin
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.