CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
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when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I am never leaving this website
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Funny women are smart. Be careful.