the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
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I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
dam girl
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.