Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Morning my dudes.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses