“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
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Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby