Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
✌🏽
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason