Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
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Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…