I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
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Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)