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Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
He-man has a Masters degree
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.