Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
i hate you platonically
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts