A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
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maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.