Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
You Might Also Like
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.