Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
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My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016