I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
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Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
You can’t outrun your problems…
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.