“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
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ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
next question.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.